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For partners, kids, and communities who want to love him better
By Robert H. Marshall Jr.
Trauma Recovery Coach, Father, Founder of The Survivors Circle & I Am Man, Inc.
Robert H. Marshall Jr. is an entrepreneur, healer, leading speaker, researcher, and trauma recovery coach. He leads The Survivors Circle & Triumph Clinics, helping men heal and build legacies rooted in emotional safety, faith, and truth.
He shows up. He provides. He protects. And yet — he’s slowly disappearing behind the weight of unspoken wounds.
Men have been conditioned for generations to equate strength with silence and composure with control. We praise their ability to endure without complaint, never realizing that the pressure to remain stoic is breaking them from the inside out.
As someone who works with men across the world — fathers, husbands, leaders, and brothers — I’ve come to understand a universal truth:
Inside every man is a little boy who deeply desires to feel seen, heard, and safe.
When men go silent or become emotionally distant, it often has little to do with the people around them and everything to do with those core needs going unmet. Even when they provide, even when they show up, if they don’t feel respected for who they are — not just what they do they begin to wither inside.
I’ve had countless conversations with men who’ve confessed that they don’t feel safe to express their real thoughts or emotions. Experience has taught them that their worth is measured by their output — by how much they can give, produce, protect, or endure—with the responsibility of doing it without limitations or boundaries, expecting nothing in return. Rarely are they told: You’re valuable simply because you exist. You are enough.
This article is for those who love these men — partners, children, friends, and communities — who want to recognize the signs and respond with compassion, not criticism. Because the strongest men you know may also be the most silently wounded.
Here are six powerful signs a man may be hurting — even when he looks strong on the outside:
1. He’s Always “Fine,” But Rarely Present
He says he’s fine — even when everything around him is falling apart. He doesn’t share feelings or offer opinions. He may be in the room, but emotionally, he’s checked out. This disengagement is a defense mechanism: if he doesn’t speak it, he doesn’t have to feel it.
How to respond: Don’t force vulnerability — invite it. Ask honest, open-ended questions. Sit in silence with him without trying to fix him. Just being there tells him he’s safe.
And when he does open up — don’t make his responses about you and how you feel. Hold space. Listen to hear him, not to defend or redirect. Your presence, not your reaction, is what helps him feel safe enough to continue.
2. He Overfunctions or Overworks to Avoid Stillness
He’s always busy — building, grinding, staying in motion. But underneath the hustle is often a man terrified of what stillness might surface. Overworking becomes a socially acceptable way to escape emotional pain or inadequacy.
How to respond: Normalize rest. Affirm his worth outside of performance. Help him see that he doesn’t need to earn love through exhaustion.
3. He’s Easily Irritated or Explosive Over Small Things
Anger is a secondary emotion — often hiding fear, shame, or grief. When a man hasn’t been given the tools to process what’s beneath the surface, it leaks out as irritability or outbursts. These moments don’t define him — they reveal an internal storm.
How to respond: De-escalate, don’t challenge. Ask what he’s feeling, not just what made him mad. Create a culture in your relationship or home where emotional expression isn’t punished, but welcomed.
4. He Withdraws When He Feels Insecure
Instead of asking for support, he shuts down. When a man feels like he’s failing or not enough, he often disappears emotionally or physically. It’s not rejection — it’s a trauma response. Shame makes him believe his presence might be a burden.
How to respond: Lean in with gentleness. Remind him of his value, not just his role. Let him know he doesn’t have to perform to be loved.
5. He Avoids Deep Conversations or Emotional Language
Many men never learned to name their emotions. Vulnerability feels dangerous, even foreign. So instead, they default to surface-level conversations and logical problem-solving.
How to respond: Give him the words. Ask: “Did that frustrate you?” “Are you feeling overwhelmed?” Naming emotions together helps rewire trust in the power of expression.
6. He Over-Gives But Struggles to Receive
He’s the first to help, but the last to ask for it. He’ll give his last dollar, his time, his strength — but when love or kindness comes back to him, he shrinks. This is often rooted in a belief that he’s only lovable when useful. That unless he’s producing, he’s not enough.
How to respond: Encourage reciprocity. Celebrate his being, not just his doing. Help him unlearn the lie that love is something he must earn.
What we often interpret as “respect” for men — admiration, obedience, recognition — is usually rooted in those original needs to be seen, heard, and safe. When a man feels safe in those areas, he doesn’t have to overcompensate. He doesn’t have to pretend. He becomes free.
Loving a man who is hurting in silence takes intention, patience, and emotional fluency. It’s not about fixing him. It’s about creating an atmosphere where he doesn’t have to wear armor to be accepted.
And when he opens the door to his internal world, don’t make it about your discomfort. Let him speak. Let him exhale. Let him be messy and real without fearing that his truth will be met with correction or criticism.
When a man is loved beyond his usefulness, respected for his vulnerability, and reminded of his worth — everything changes. And when he heals, he doesn’t just break the cycle. He builds a new legacy.
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